Holy big fat asses batman.  Did I just admit my weight in my blog title.  I have officially lost my damn mind!  Well, I guess I’m going to attempt to do the whole “make healthier choices and use portion control” thing.  I know people who have had great success with Weight Watchers.  So, I am going to give Weight Watchers a try myself.

Now I must inform you that I have always been against diets because diets don’t work.  Once you’re off the diet the pounds just come right back.  I get that, unlike a lot of people whom pump billions of dollars into the pockets of those in the dieting industry.  I get that it’s a life style change that needs to be done in order to lose the weight and essentially keep it off.  The few success stories I have seen in my life have learned just that from Weight Watchers.  Weight Watchers has taught them what proper portions are and what healthy choices actually are.

Even though I had already been buying what I thought were healthy things for my family there is still a lot of options that I just hadn’t even considered.  For instance, I would buy Crystal Lite instead of Kool-Aid.  But I didn’t know that there is lite breads or even how many calories were in things as simple as crackers.  Not that I intend on depriving myself.  Which is actually not the point of Weight Watchers at all.  From what I have gathered during this first week of mine it’s about what’s more important to me.  I can have whatever I want.  Just not all in the same day.  That is the gluttonous behavior that got me to being fat in the first place.

So today I will eat a healthy turkey sandwich for lunch with a dill pickle so I can enjoy a manwich meal with broccoli cheese noodles and a Miller Lite for dinner.  Woot woot, cause that’s how I roll.  Or should I say, cause that’s how I hope to lose my rolls.

Don’t shave anything that you won’t be able to keep up with for the absolute rest of your life.  Or it will grow back looking like darkest, thickest, & coarsest hair ever (yes probably almost like resembling pubes).  I made the mistake many many moons ago when I was a teen of shaving my belly.  Holy hell, now it grows back like I’m a flipping man.  It’s horrid.  I pity the people who have to look at it and deal with it when I’m 115 years old and living in a home somewhere not able to manage it any more.

I know girls that completely shave their arms, chin (because they don’t want to pluck the few minor hairs), & the tops of their toes.  Dear God, these girls are going to have arms like Robin Williams, a beard like ZZ Top, & toes like I don’t even wanna know.  But it’s to late for them.  Save yourself!  Don’t do it!  Wax, Nair, or pluck.  But please I’m strongly advising don’t shave it.

I am a one paranoid mofo.  Before my husband and I moved into our new home I refused to step one foot inside until ADT or something of the equivalent was installed.  I specifically said that I didn’t want a yard sign because I wanted any would be criminals to be surprised when they broke in.  Well ADT called today wanting to put one in my yard to strike up business I’m sure.  So, I told the man my reason for not wanting one.  He tried to say that a sign actually usually deters would be robbers.  So I said no random crack head wanting to rape my anus is going to be deterred by a stupid yard sign…in fact they probably wouldn’t even notice it.  Then ended my call.  You have my money already ADT…just let me live in my paranoid bubble and be happy dammit!

Pickles, my cat is a pain in my ass!  It’s not just because I am a dog person, well maybe that is a little bit of it.  But dammit she’s a year and a half old.  When is she going to get in the cute, purry, rubbing up against you, and sitting in your lap phase?  Because that little bastard is still in the don’t try to pet me or I’ll attack you, walk by me and I’ll attack you, and even though you feed me extremely well I will try to steal the food off the stove phase.

We can’t let her in the bedroom at night because she’ll attack your feet if you move them.  And I am not the person you want to wake up to some stupid crap like that.  But then the pain in my ass will sometimes do the most horrendous howl outside our door in the middle of the night.  Or the worst of all offenses is when you are walking and she will jolt in front of you and just lay.  Doesn’t matter if its the middle of the floor or step or in the path of a closing door.  She’ll just run as fast as she can then plop down right in your way and not budge.  As if staying, “I dare you bitch, step on me or shut the door on me.”

Well dammit Pickles don’t dare me much more because you’ll get a size 7 1/2 shoved so far up your damn ass.  Or I’ll turn your little ass into two halves a cat with the next door.  I love that I wrote to my cat.  Hope she knows how to type, I’d love a comment back.

I cut my eldest daughter’s hair for the first time ever yesterday.  I have cut her bang many times before but he rest of her hair was so slow to grow that there was never a need to cut any of it.  Or she wouldn’t have had any left.  Well the front of her hair finally touched her shoulders but the back was a bit longer and of course uneven.  It was easy to tangle as well which caused problems.  So I finally broke down and cut the back even with her front.  So now her hair is all one shoulder length.  With of course, as always, her perfectly cut bangs.

She looks so grown up to me now *tears*.  So I say stop it.  You are not allowed to get any bigger or any older.  We are putting an end to this growing up thing right this instant.  I love you my little Dutch poops.